Every Command on Belle & Sebastian's Debut Album Tigermilk

Nobody asked for this, either, but here are all of the things Stuart Murdoch tells me to do on Tigermilk, rated (1-10) by my ability to do them.

Oh, love of mine, would you condescend to help me?

RATING: 1. I don’t know you.

Why don't you lead me to a living?

RATING: 1. Much though I’d like to help you, I don’t have influence over our hiring process, and this song was written a long time ago. Since then, you’ve built your own successful career as a musician.

Monday morning, wake up knowing that you’ve got to go to school.

Rating: 3. I've done this hundreds of times, between K-12, undergrad, and two graduate degrees — not bragging, just facts. I’m sure I can recall the technique, if you really need this from me.

Are you calm? Settle down. Write a song. I’ll sing along.

Rating: 1. Impossible.

Tell Veronica the secret of the boy you never kissed.

Rating: 10. I do have a friend called Veronica, and I have already told her my romantic secrets.

Listen to me as a friend.

Rating: 1. Again, I don’t know you.

You’re just a baby, baby girl, so kiss me on the cheek before you know what’s sweet. You’re just a baby, baby girl, so kiss me on the cheek before you go to sleep. You will be working in the morning, and I won’t be there to see you go off your head. Yeah, you will be crying in the morning, and I won’t be there to see you go off your head.

Rating: 1. Sir! SIR! I am not — I cannot —

Play a game with your electronics.

Rating: 10. I play games with my electronics almost every day!

Do something pretty while you can. Don’t fall asleep.

Rating: 5. I can do something pretty while I can, but I can’t avoid falling asleep.

Do something pretty while you can. Don’t be a fool.

Rating: 7.5. I can do something pretty while I can, but I am a fool 50% of the time.

My wandering days are over. Does it mean that I’m getting boring? You tell me.

Rating: 9. I consider myself an excellent judge of character (but see above).